sorry for not posting much art. i really want to do more but i'm so slow that it's frustrating -__- i don't draw every day. do try to draw sometimes but i barely make any progress. it just takes so long to actually draw everything. i'm not a perfectionist either. i'm just slow. super, super slow. i'm drawing a frame around the pic i'm working on and it takes sooo long just to draw the frame, and i don't even think it's that detailed tbh. it's not too detailed, i am just slow. there have been some days where i just work on the frame. the pic in the middle is not yet done but i have to do that frame. i wanted my art to look more interesting and impressive which is why i added a thick and colorful frame. but that frame is taking up my time. i was supposed to finish this pic three weeks ago.
and that's just one picture. i have so many others to do.
and things keep getting in my way, too. i'm taking only one class and it's online, but... this stupid class is always hanging over my head. there's always work to do. i have to keep reading, writing, reading, writing... i tried to push off my schoolwork in order to draw and other things but i've gotta stop doing that. i need to work on school. to make things worse, i have another class next semester. school has imprisoned me for so long. i want to be free. i wish i could quit school because it's SO stupid. i want to just stop. but i can't. this is a shame but whenever i see people say "i dropped out of school" i'm jealous of them, even if they did not want to drop out.
i was supposed to graduate in may 2013. school is the never-ending nightmare. it never ends. it keeps going on and on and on and i never graduate. i keep thinking i will and then i mess up and i don't. well i have no motivation! i'm not exactly eager to work on schoolwork when it's dumb and pointless. my motivation is pretty much gone. that's why i never graduate, it's because i'm not motivated to do the work. and i don't care about getting a degree. i don't think it'll help me get a job. the only reason i want to graduate is so that i don't have to do any more schoolwork. do you see my problem here? my only possible motivation to do schoolwork is in order to not do any more schoolwork. it makes no sense. it's a catch-22.
the other motivation is "because i've spent so much time, effort, money, parents'/grandparents' money, and went through a ton of (unofficial) depression so i might as well have something to show for it." wow what a wonderful happy thing that makes me so excited (sarcasm)
i can't quit school, i can't put it off, i just have these classes stuck with me. and with my horrible time management skills and hatred for putting myself on a schedule, especially for something as non-motivating as school, i just struggle a lot. in this class right now i'm actually making good grades so far! i just go veeeery slowly. this class is self-paced meaning there are no particular deadlines except for a few months from now. but i originally wanted to finish in december. then january. now it may be march. there are so many papers i have to write and textbook sections to read. ugh.
btw, this class i'm taking now, i've already taken it. but i got a D instead of a C which is why i'm taking it again now. and the class i'm taking next semester, i've taken it twice before. D both times. i need a C to pass. and i can't take other classes. it's a long story but i can't choose any other class except these two.
plus i'm on the job hunt. that takes up some time although thankfully i'm not in a situation where i badly need money and i'm desperate and spend several hours a day looking for jobs. still, i do search for jobs, fill applications, and occasionally have an interview. just went on an interview today! it went well
sadly i got rejected from a job today too. hopefully i get the internship i interviewed for today. i strongly want it *__*
i'm scared of how getting a job/internship will affect my schoolwork and drawing. but i need experience. i want to put off getting a job until after school is done but i really need experience so putting that off is a bad idea. i really really really want job experience in my desired field (marketing), because i barely have any. it's to the point where i'm applying for unpaid internships even though i know that having an internship will take up schoolwork/drawing time AND won't pay me. but that's how desperately i want experience.
this journal got so long and rambling and it's hard to explain everything and you probably don't understand my weird life but oh well. i had to say something. i haven't been posting much art and i HATE that.
school is so stupid. I'M PAYING FOR THIS. i am paying money just to give myself stress and do work i don't want to do. this is ridiculous. i could just drop out. i could, but that would be a bad idea. so i'm stuck. i can't quit. i have to do the schoolwork. i want to have a job and do tons of art and both of those things require a LOT of time. and there are several other things i want to with my time as well. it would be so convenient to not have to take up my time with school. (and school takes my da friends away from me too, i hate it when they can't talk to me or do other projects with me or post more art because of school)
when i get my degree... i'm not going to have a big party or anything. i just want to move on with my life as if nothing had happened. yay, i got a dumb piece of paper. who cares?
i wish i had gotten an associate's degree! then i'd have a degree, but i'd have been finished in two years! but no. i had to get a bachelor's because a bachelor's degree apparently looks good on a resume. (though there are still many people with bachelor's degrees and higher who have a hard time getting a job) and my parents/grandparents wanted me to get a bachelor's ever since... my whole life basically. i didn't know it would be like this. i didn't know i'd have such a crazy time with trying to escape from college.
did you know that the majority of US students do NOT finish their bachelor's degree in four years? www.nytimes.com/2014/12/02/edu…